Hope is Dope

After I drop the kids off at school, I'll call you and tell you something funny, my brain is still wired to share our inside jokes. The wave of grief and sadness locks on me like my seatbelt is tighter.

I used to fight it. Logic it away. Stay busy until I got tired, and I slept a LOT! Grief doesn't get tired, it’s always up for the fight. At all times of night.

Harvey Milk once said, “I know you can't live on hope alone; but without hope, life is not worth living.” That quote resonated with me the first time I heard it in high school.

My life began with humble beginnings. I worked to reach a different station in life, and I hope to continue growing and being the best father and human I can be.

At some point, in the middle of the cancer battle, hope became an enemy to me. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, in fear of being let down. The worst possible outcome happened to my wife, she passed before seeing our children grow up, but I wish now I had more hope in the immediate aftermath of her terminal diagnosis. The kids needed a more hopeful, happier environment, but I struggled to provide that.

But here's the thing, hope didn’t ask my grief for permission. It showed up. Seeing the innocence of the children, learning new things, and exploring new phases. These things happen whether you’re hopeful or not. Being hopeful, however, allows you to soak up the experience to the maximum.

I've had to ask myself a hard question every day: What will I let this loss cost me?

I already lost the love of my life and my partner, my other half. I refused to let it cost the kids their father, too, I made an intentional decision to suck up my sadness to be present with them. Don't hide emotions or act like they weren’t there, but be intentional with the time we spend.

Grief will shrink you if you let it, like Gollum, it whispers hauntingly. “Being happy is betrayal, hobbitses. Moving forward means leaving the precious behind.” That's not true. Carrying someone and moving forward aren't opposites.

Hope isn't the absence of pain. It's the decision to see the beauty in life while acknowledging the ugly. I do not intend or proclaim that this is easy and you must live life blindly, I simply mean that hope is a better energy to carry around. Some days grief wins, our song comes on shuffle, I see your college bumper sticker on another car. That's fine.

But most days, I look at these kids and think this is what it's all about. This is why I'm here.

The joy has to outweigh the pain. Not because the pain isn't real. But because the pain and suffering aren’t better than the joy and hope.

I hope you’re doing well. Thanks for reading.

— Let Me Be Grief